Why I Choose to Stay a Member of The Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-day Saints - Part One
My relationship with God has been the most influential thing in my life. More than my family relationships. More than peers. More than education or career or entertainment.
I was born to a first generation member and a multi-generation member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who taught me to pray, read scriptures, and go to church. But from my childhood, I believed in God on a personal level. I deeply cared what He thought of me.
Some people might think, well it’s what you were raised with so you stayed with what was familiar. But at some point, each of us chooses whether to stay with our upbringing or to take another path.
As a young adult I began to see people that I cared about leave the Church. The first one that really impacted me was someone I had been assigned to minister to—which meant I visited her, got to know her, and tried to make sure she was cared for and her needs were met physically and spiritually. It’s a service that all adult members of the church are requested to fulfill. Many of us do it imperfectly.
I couldn’t help but care about her. She had a warm spirit and an uplifting presence. At some point I was reassigned. She met a guy, they got married, and then—for reasons I don’t know—they decided to leave the Church. They posted the announcement on social media. And it was the first time I seriously asked myself whether the Church I believed in was (loosely rephrased) a vessel of rotting boards painted to look nice on the outside, which she and her husband had decided to abandon in the belief that it was bound to sink.
In the years that followed, other good people left the Church for various reasons. Some of them I had been very close to. I still love and respect each one of them. Everyone chooses what they choose for a reason. But each time I had to ask myself:
Why would this happen?
Why am I seeing and experiencing something different than those who leave?
Why do I believe what I believe?
What is the basis of my faith?
What it comes down to, for me, is the relationship I’ve built over the years, ever since I was very young. It hasn’t been perfect, but it has been more consistent than any other relationship. I know God exists. I know He hears me. People come and go. But He doesn’t. Other people may not see or understand me. But He does. Even when I want to give up on myself, He never gives up on me. I can’t turn away from that.
My feelings have not always been this strong. Enduring the times of doubt and opposition have strengthened them. Like learning my body’s language, learning the way God speaks to me has been invaluable.
I want to address five reasons why someone might leave this or any religion and give personal examples of why I chose to stay.
I also want to provide five reasons why this Church in particular means so much to me, but due to the length of this article I will release Part Two as a bonus post this weekend.
1. Disagreement With Doctrine, Principles, or Practices
The purpose of religion is to provide answers to the questions of the soul and give guidance on how to live a life of happiness and fulfillment. This guidance includes doctrines, principles, and practices that provide a framework of support for followers to achieve their desired spiritual destination.
An example of a doctrine is that Jesus Christ is the Savior of mankind and He created heaven and earth. Doctrine is an unchanging truth upon which the religion stands.
An example of a principle is that if you repent then you will be spiritually clean. A principle usually fits an “if/then” statement where a choice reliably brings a consistent result.
An example of a practice is meeting in local congregations on Sunday to worship. A practice is a procedure or a guideline—something you do or don’t do. Sometimes practices change from time to time.
Some people feel that parts of this framework are too strict. Of course, everyone has freedom of choice.
Without going into detail, I found myself conflicted and confused about a specific practice. I looked for reasons to justify my point of view. There were reasons why I believed I was ok taking certain actions.
But one day, I had the strong feeling to talk with my bishop (my local church leader). It was difficult to get the words out of my mouth about the choices I had been making. And it was this in itself that made me realize that not only was I out of integrity with God, but I was out of integrity with myself.
My bishop was kind. When I cried, he cried too. It wasn’t an incredibly serious transgression, but it could have become something serious if I had chosen to continue down the path I was on.
The level of healing that took place as a result of that initially painful visit was nothing that I could have achieved on my own. As a result, I can testify that if you repent (that is, turn away from a wrong practice), not only will you feel clean but you will feel joy. You will have clearer discernment between right and wrong.
2. Hurt by Church Leaders or Members
There are people with double standards in every walk of life. But it’s easier to call out hypocrisy when the offender has a clear set of beliefs.
The thing is, religion is not people. That is to say, ideally, imperfect people go to church to learn to be a little better every day. But if they fail, it’s not necessarily because the doctrines, principles, or practices of their faith are bad.
A friend of mine was incredibly hurt at a decision made by church leaders during a time of widespread crisis. Although I don’t know particulars of the leaders’ decision, I do know that my friend was fearful and felt her fears weren’t being acknowledged. My heart aches for her. Because she took offense, she began to look for reasons to disbelieve everything else. Ultimately, she left the Church. And she left it hard.
I watched the change happen in her via social media. She went from fearfulness to lashing out to pushing people away. She became bitter and defensive. She took on habits that were contrary to Church practices like they were the rite of passage into her new life.
I felt guilty. What if I had stayed close to her? What if I could have helped ease her fears? Fear seems to bring out the worst in people—which I have clearly seen in my own life, with my own behaviors.
There was a time when I found myself offended by a local church leader’s decision. It hurt. It felt unfair. I fought back with silent resentment. But ultimately, I complied because of a feeling of caution in my heart. It wasn’t until a few years later that I could see the situation more clearly. What had felt like an injustice I later realized was not. I had been wrong without realizing it. Their treatment of me was gentle. In fact, I wished they had had the courage to be more forthright with me. Some upfront pain could have spared me a lot of shame.
However, despite feeling offended, my faith is in God, not people. I took it on faith that He still loved me. Now, I realize that He wanted me to learn a lesson that only opposition could teach. He wanted me to get a clearer vision of myself. This is one of the ways he speaks to me, too. He loves me enough to correct me. He doesn’t want to leave me as I am.
3. Religion Asks Too Much
In a sense, it is a big commitment to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The possibility of burnout is real, if one does not partner with God to do all that is asked.
Membership requests contributions of time and money. There are principles and practices that affect lifestyle, such as avoiding drinking, swearing, gambling, tobacco, premarital sex, etc. Leadership positions require extra time and commitment, since nearly every position in the Church is a lay position. We’re unpaid volunteers. Many of us still have full time jobs and family to care for.
In and of itself, I think having too much responsibility is not a common reason that people leave the Church. At some point all members have become used to keeping the principles and practices. Many of us find the results rewarding. But combined with any other reason this could be a contributing factor.
I have always viewed church service as a learning opportunity and a way to express my love to God and members of my congregation (called a “ward”). But there have been times when my service felt overwhelming.
I served as a nursery leader, helping watch over the one- and two-year-olds while adults attended their Sunday classes. It was a sweet experience, but by the end, my highly-sensitive, introverted self was ready for nap time.
I served as a secretary for the local women’s organization (Relief Society)—coordinating ministering assignments, visiting ward members, organizing records, and attending meetings along with the presidency. All this during the heaviest bout of depression in my life. However, this service uplifted me and brought joy and fulfillment into my life.
I served as a pianist for the children’s organization (Primary). I was asked to give this service shortly after I lost the ability to raise my arms. I sat very close to the piano and was able to play for the duration of my service. It was a lot of pressure, but I cherish the memories I was able to make.
And currently, I create the weekly electronic bulletin for my ward. It involves sitting at the computer for an extra hour or more each week. It’s both taxing and uplifting. I’m grateful to contribute.
These are just some examples of ways I have contributed over the years.
In short, I feel like I receive back as much or more than I am asked to give. Service in the Church is a principle with a promise. If you put your best effort into what God has asked you to do, he promises to share the load with you:
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
4. No Longer Believe
People fall out of faith like they fall out of love, or so it seems. This line of thinking assumes that faith or love are simply things that happen to us—with little or no effort involved. I try to remind myself not to make this assumption whenever I feel unsatisfied with my relationships, one half of which is me.
Love, faith, relationships—all of them need to be cultivated in order to grow and thrive.
However, in some cases, faith is brought into question by a current issue or challenge. I believe it’s good to ask questions. The right questions can get one to the heart of a matter. I also believe that truth stands up to questioning. This is a scientific principle. Religion is not science, but there are some things they share in common.
For example, although I’ve read and believed the Book of Mormon to be scripture since I was a youth, I struggled to know for myself whether Joseph Smith was a prophet. I believed he was. I took it on faith. But it wasn’t until my adult years, when I started reading in depth about his life and his character that I felt an inner surety that he had been directed by God and was truly a prophet. Living the principles he taught continually nourishes my belief and draws me closer to God.
The Book of Mormon, an ancient book of scripture unique to our Church, comes with a promise. Moroni, the last surviving prophet of his people, said this:
And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.
And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.
I have put this promise to the test many times. Just reading a few verses each day brings clarity and peace into my life. I continually find new applications for the stories and teachings within it. This, too, is another way that I hear God’s voice in my life.
Joseph Smith, who translated The Book of Mormon, had a similar experience when he read the following passage in the Bible:
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.
This is the experiment, then: read the scriptures, pray to know if they are true, and examine the effect it has on mind and your heart. Or, bring your questions of the soul to God in prayer. Even if you just want to ask God if He’s there and how He feels about you. See what effect it has on your mind and your heart.
My experience is that God speaks to each of us in a way that we can uniquely understand. However, it takes being in tune to one’s spiritual senses—something that is hard to do in this crazy, busy world. That is why sacred spaces are a great place to go and pray. Somewhere private and quiet. Someplace you can tune in to your innermost feelings.
This takes work. It may be unnatural at first. But love and faith both have this in common—the best, most valuable and lasting things in life take work. Daily work. But the results are soul-deep, rather than the fleeting, shallow feelings we often settle for.
5. Something Else Feels More Important
There’s no denying that some things are priceless: relationships, dreams, security, freedom, identity, etc. Faith goes into this category for me. But what happens when you have to choose one over the other?
I had a church friend, who I still see from time to time on social media. She was experiencing same-sex attraction and decided to choose a romantic relationship over her membership in the Church. I didn't even know until after she made the decision. This is a huge internal conflict and I know her decision took a lot of courage. She needed a way to resolve her feelings, and she chose to forge her own path. She's a beautiful human being and I still care about her.
Before anyone thinks that I believe my friend is going to Hell—I don't. I'll talk a little more about this in my bonus post.
I’m also a person who likes to forge my own path. It has taken me a lot of courage to stand up for myself and learn to voice my beliefs. But as I mentioned in the first section, I feel greater peace and happiness in choosing to turn toward faith rather than away in my times of confusion.
Currently, I’m faced with a dilemma that is new to this stage of my life. Because of limited mobility, pain, and fatigue it is difficult to go to church every week like I used to. Going to the temple is even more draining.
Some weeks, I simply need to treat Sundays as a literal day of rest. Unfortunately, because of this, I started feeling casual about Sundays. While there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with the activities I was doing (sleeping, spending time with family members, checking my apps, reading, etc.) the spirit with which I did them had changed. Sundays no longer felt set apart from other days of the week.
But I’ve made a special effort to change. Whenever possible, I make church a priority. If I can’t attend in person, I attend via broadcast. I remind myself of the promises I made at baptism. I maintain a reverent attitude. By doing these things, I feel a deeper peace, which continues with me throughout the week. The Sabbath is truly “a delight” and a refreshing experience, whereas it used to feel restrictive.
Reasons to Stay
Having experienced for myself these “reasons to leave,” I can understand to a degree why some choose to do so. But to me, the following “reasons to stay” outweigh anything else. These are unique to the Church I belong to and are not found with the same efficacy anywhere else that I know of. To leave would be to forfeit the blessing of having these things in my life.
These are also the things I plan to write about in my bonus post:
1. Priesthood Power
2. Living Prophets and Apostles
3. Personal Revelation
4. Covenant Power
5. God’s Plan of Happiness for Families
If you are a person of faith, what motivates you to keep believing? Have you ever had doubts? How did you overcome them?
Have you heard God’s voice in your life—and how does He speak to you?
As a final story, there is a passage in The Book of Mormon in which the resurrected Christ visits the people on the American continent. It’s one of my favorite chapters. Jesus spends a lot of time teaching and healing the people. In fact, he heals them one by one.
As a teenager, I imagined myself in this crowd of people. I imagined that many of them had waited a long time for the healing he could provide. I believed that I was not as important as them, so I stepped back. It was almost like I was hiding. It felt like I needed Jesus to find me. But I knew that if he did, I would feel unworthy of his love.
Years later, during my period of serious depression, I felt a compelling need to find Jesus in my life. God, the Father (who we believe to be a separate Being), I felt I knew because I had prayed to Him all my life. The Holy Spirit was the Being who conveyed the answers to those prayers. He comforts, guides, and warns me. But did Jesus have a presence in my life? I read about him in the scriptures. I decided, for a while, to try writing him letters, like I was writing to a Counselor and Friend.
But it wasn’t until a year or so ago that I realized what his presence is in my life. He is present in the lives of his modern-day disciples.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
One of the covenants, or promises, that members of the Church make at baptism is to “take upon them the name of [the] Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments” (Moroni 4:3).
Anyone who has prayed for me during my current health crisis, anyone who has tried to help me smile or not feel alone, anyone who has listened without judgment, or who has performed any of a number of other acts of service for me—you have been the hands and feet of Jesus in my life.
His presence, too, is in the beauty of the world He created and in his temples. There is not a sacred space that is not touched by Him.
In my own service, I hope I have been the hands and feet of Jesus to someone in need. This is the beating heart of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To bring each person closer to our Savior, for whom the church is named. To learn to become just a little more like him, even if we are imperfect in the process.
Answers to our questions come—not always in our preferred timing. But the patience and humility we learn along the way are what teaches us resilience and helps us to overcome any challenge we may face.
With love,
Ordinary Girl
This is not an official publication of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For more on the Church’s beliefs and doctrine, please visit comeuntochrist.org.